About Jack Clark

Newcastle, England, United Kingdom

Monday 23 August 2010

'Vampires Suck' sucks, rename it Team Straight-to-DVD

You can't say with any conviction that you don't like a film, if you haven't seen it. That was the reason why, even though I wasn't expecting to like the Twilight saga at all, I watched the films anyway. I resent the coverage it's been given, considering I didn't get more than a matter of a few pages through the books because they were so incoherent. I disagree with the fact that people obsess over the films, splitting themselves into teams depending on whether they want Bella to choose Edward or Jacob by the end of the series. I even despise myself for knowing the characters' names, and regret having seen the films. I will be the first to admit that I like watching films, and of course I have favourites, but I hate the Twilight saga for having so heavily merchandised itself that it has become such a huge obsession; this is not the way even the best of films are supposed to be watched.
     So, when given the oppurtunity to see 'Vampires Suck', I used the same philosophy that it took to make me watch the saga in the first place, and I sat through the spoof. However, for a film that so heavily wants to take every spare second to poke fun at the original films, all I was thinking was 'why would I want to see 'New Moon' for a second time?' This is exactly how it feels to watch the film. You get the impression that the makers weren't impressed by the film, but every effort has still been made to cast actors who look like their real-life counterparts, to shoot scenes from the same actors and to convey exactly the same storyline as 'New Moon' itself.
     You are left wondering whether the makers (the highly acclaimed team behind films such as 'Scary Movie' and 'Epic Movie') actually liked the original saga, which in turn presents another way in which 'Vampires Suck' is a complete farce; why attempt to write jokes that poke holes in everything from the make up used to the plot? The film, therefore, doesn't work from any angle you look at it. And still, no matter whether the makers did intend to write an attack or a tribute to the Twilight saga, the jokes themselves are written badly enough to make you want to turn the film off or leave the cinema.
     There were no jokes in the writing of the film, the dialogue was there solely to give the same storyline as 'New Moon' or to give half a try at attacking it, a contradiction in itself. Then, there is the monotony of the slapstick in the film. Physical humour is possibly the least successful way of getting a laugh during a film, and as there was either comic-book punches, rubber shovels or dancing in every scene, what is left is a film where I didn't laugh once. In fact, I felt embarrassed for the cast at parts, which would have been successful if it was the intention. It clearly wasn't.
     It was also obvious that the film was casted based upon there similarities to the original 'New Moon' characters. If they weren't believeable, it would have been accounted for by their comic timing, but the lack of comic timing merely contributed to making a comedy that just wasn't funny. I have been looking forward to seeing Ken Jeong from 'The Hangover' in more films, but after his hilarious character in 2009's hilarious film, I was let down by this. I wouldn't like to see a single member of this film's cast in another film. All of the flaws joined forces to make an overall amateur film so uncomfortable that I couldn't wait for it to end.
     There is a YouTube channel called 'Monkey And Apple' who make Twilight spoofs with comic timing that genuinely makes you laugh after seeing the actual films, and this film was so amateur as a film, it felt like a YouTube video that didn't know when to stop. These videos are a good deal shorter than 'Vampires Suck', and a lot funnier, so for an amateur Twilight spoof, my advice would be to watch those instead.

2 comments:

  1. Good review, man! I really think Ken Jeong needs to start choosing his roles a bit more wisely. He's perfectly capable of being one of the leading comedic talents today, but is brought down by these terrible roles.

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  2. i know what you mean, i was so impressed by him in the hangover but ive justbeen disappointed since
    jack

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